Call to think and pray

Yesterday, as I was talking to my co-worker I felt my neck and realized that I was missing my necklace. I don't really care about the necklace but the jade on it was precious to me because my mom gave it to me when I was around 10 years old. I remember missing something that morning as I was changing so I thought maybe during my sleep it came off. I also thought that what if I dropped it on my way to 99 ranch when I picked up some rice that morning for the Christmas gathering. I started to get anxious and decided to go home and check it out even though it was 10:20AM and might be a 45 minutes detour. As I was driving home, I heard on the news on K-Love about a tragic incident. At first, I thought another shooting? Then I heard the details of how it was an elementary school in Newtown near Danbury, CT. When I was young, my Dad would drive me and my sister to Danbury to check out the mall there even though it was quite far but the mall had a carousel in it. Then I heard the number of children killed and I was sad. I couldn't believe it but at that moment I chose not to think too much about it because I was "busy" with trying to find my necklace or worrying about it. I got home and I searched for it in my bed and I couldn't find it and then I looked at the hoodie that I had put on in the morning and shook it around and lo and behold the necklace felt out. I felt such a sense of relief and thankfulness to God. Then as I was driving back to work, I heard the news again and that's when I started thinking more about it. My first initial thought is not to think too much about it because I was afraid of getting sad but then I realized I am just being selfish. Selfish in two ways. One is I wanted to take care of my own worry first (finding my necklace) before worrying or thinking about other people and second is I didn't want to be sad so I am choosing not to think about it. Jesus said to weep with those who weep. I need to weep with those who weep because if I choose not to think about it then I probably won't be praying for them either. It's only when I can sympathizes with their pain will I remember to pray for them. I definitely can't relate because I never had a child and I don't know what it means to lose something so precious. Something that you put so much into and have it all taken away, especially the suddenness of it. If I was a parent, I would think that in a small town schools are pretty safe. I would never imagine sending them to their death. It's not like sending them to war or seeing them battle a disease. Not to reduce the pain of either of those two things but there is some preparation. This is just too quick and unprepared. I woke up this morning thinking about this incident and wanting to call my mom and my sister. Funny how my mom called me this morning about something totally different but I was able to share with her that I'm glad she's alive and then I called my sister to shared the same thing. I know that many people are waking up this morning hoping it was a nightmare. It's just sad to think about that. It's really sad to hope it's a nightmare but wake up and realized it is actually true what happened. If I think about that, I would want to pray more for them. I read a bit of Job this morning along with some parts of Isaiah 40, 41 and Ephesians 1 and 2 Corinthians 1. Even though I don't know the community there, I want to love them like Jesus because I know God is sad. Sad that this evil has happened. I remember hearing the president's speech about this incident and I thought it was very well said. It's especially sad because they are children and God could have used them for so many things and there were a lot of blessings that the parents will no longer be able to enjoy with their kids such as birthday parties and graduations, etc. Jesus loves children. He said "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God" Luke 18:16. I pray that people would turn to God instead of running away and blaming Him. He is the father of mercies and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our afflictions (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I lost a necklace and I found it again. Some parents lost their kid and they can't be found again (at least not on this earth). I hope and pray that God would cause the people's heart to be stirred to find that the world is fleeting and that there is only one true hope and that is in Jesus Christ. He is our ultimate joy which can never be taken away. I hope that God would save many and that people's heart would be healed by Jesus and that many would once again see their children in heaven.  I pray that I would be more thankful to God for the people that I love and I would not take them for granted.

The Cost of Discipleship

Today I got to meet up with Wesley at Thai Spoons. It's a Thai place that my co-workers told me about and it's pretty good and cheap. I actually got lost getting there but it's funny because I texted him the cross streets (El Camino and Mary) and then later when I look it up again on google maps and I guess it screwed up or I have a lost in memory but I remembered it as Fair Oaks and El Camino. Long story short I was going in circles trying to find the place and I got there 15 minutes late. I guess I'm pretty out of it these days haha. He was patiently waiting even thought he was starving and probably tired from the commute.

I'm definitely thankful for Wes and all the ways he has served the church. He also helped me out when he came in the morning to help me "camp out" and save a spot for the church BBQ.

We both chow down really quickly and barely have time to talk as we shovel food into our mouths. I guess we were both pretty hungry. However, the good part of the conversation was when we both left the restaurant and chilled in the parking lot. Instead of grabbing boba, we loiter around the parking lot like high schoolers and talked about various things on our hearts.

One of the things that Wes reminded me of was the cost of discipleship. Wes, said that if it were not God, Christ and the Holy Spirit reviving our hearts, we would not choose Christ. No one would. We would rather choose money, family, stability, etc than Christ. Basically health, wealth, prosperity. For some strange reason, tonight in the dimly lit parking lot, it got me really thinking. It's true, if a person is not saved, why would they choose Christ and choose to follow him over all the other things that in the world's eye's is precious. People would for sure choose, money, family and comfort, over following Christ. It is indeed in one sense, total depravity (T in TULIP). We would not choose the things of God. It reminds me of Romans 3:11 where it says No one seeks for God. If it were not the irresistible grace of God (I in TULIP), we would still be after the things of this world. However, just because we have been saved, doesn't mean it's not a battle to still desire the things of this world over Christ. Jesus tells us to give up everything for Him. Luke 14:25-33 talks about this:


"Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.  For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?  Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him,  saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’  Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?  And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple."

As I read this, the more I realize that only Christians are able to do this. I believe that's why Jesus spoke to the great crowds that followed Him. He wanted to see who his real disciples were and who were there to just go along with the crowd or because He had the gift of healing or because he had unlimited supply of food. I remember Steve Lawson gave a sermon on this passage a while ago at Resolved. I was a young Christian and now 5+ years later, I'm still learning what it means to be a disciple of Christ. I mean definitely we are not perfect and sin remains but if there is a desire to fight and there is the Holy Spirit indwelling within us then we would want to fight. This desire to fight is a sign of life and an assurance of salvation. I think as we grow, this battle does get easier. The things of God becomes more and more precious and worthy of our energy and time. Sometimes the fight gets difficult and I see myself not loving God as I should be and a verse would come into my mind, (probably the most scariest verse in the bible) “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’" - Matthew 7:21-23. Sometimes when I don't see Jesus as my supreme treasure or when I don't love Jesus as much as I should, I get fearful of this. However, I shouldn't be because the fight is a sign. I believe Jesus is talking to those who are doing it not because they love Jesus but some other reason. The goal of our action should be a response to His love and not a way to "pay back". We can never pay Jesus back for what He did. If the desire to fight is ever present in our soul, it is a definitely assurance of salvation. I believe that's what Paul means in Romans 5:3-5. "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Through our sufferings, through our struggles, through our battles with sin whether it is our own sin or someone else throwing sin at us, we are able to build endurance. God gives us the grace and energy and endurance to handle sufferings. This endurance builds character in us and in the end this gives us hope. Why? Why does hope not put us to shame? Because it's a sign that God's love has been poured into our hearts and the Holy Spirit has been give to us. This means that if we are saved and only if we are saved, our sufferings all make sense because in the end it builds character in us to love God more and bring Him more glory! If we fight and want to desire Christ above all things, then it is an assurance that the Holy Spirit is in us and according to Ephesians 1:13-14 the Holy Spirit is the guarantee of our inheritance to the praise of His glory.

So FIGHT ON! Put on that armor and wield that sword. It is a glorious thing that God is jealous for the things that are His. We are His and He loves us so much that He desires us to be more like His Son so that we do can radiate His glory.

His grace is sufficient

It's been a while since I last blogged. There were many times where I told myself I will blog and then I would get busy and it would be perpetually put off. I'm actually quite tired currently from my friend's wedding but I told myself that I would blog this weekend so here I am typing away.

I love weddings because of two reasons. One is that it points back to Christ. The other is that it is a great place for reunions. I finally was able to meet up with David Lee. I miss this guy a lot, like a lot, like a lot. Did I tell you that I miss David like a lot? haha I kept saying that to people at the wedding.

I was able to catch up with him briefly when I was getting coffee with him but I'm excited about tomorrow because I'll be able to meet up with him one on one.

I wish seriously he was up at norcal with me. I know I'm being selfish but we are so similar and we have similar struggles in life and we keep things so real between each other. I'm thankful to God for our friendship even though we are not at the same location.

For the brief catchup, David shared how he is learning that God keeps us humble by allowing us to make mistakes and does not give us everything perfectly. Recently, work has been somewhat stressful for both of us. I'm under the pressure to not make mistakes in any of my simulations because every day counts. However, one time I screwed up and I remember thinking to myself man how could I make such a careless mistake. We believe that God allows those mistakes so that in the end we would realize that it's all up to God whether we work well or not. Everything is up to God, and nothing is up to us. The ability to wake up and be productive is up to God. The ability to get up and praise Him. The ability to do all things is all His grace. I think it's awesome how God uses work to show us that in the end in life no matter what we do it's all His grace. We make mistakes and sometimes huge ones, but it's a way to keep us humble. This reminds me of Paul when He asked God to remove the thorn and three times he pleads with God, ' "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.' 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

I'm still trying to wrap my head around that though. It's difficult to make mistake and not regret it. I remember one of my married friend (David Choi) who has three kids said to me, "As you grow older in life, your regrets will grow." I'm beginning to truly understand that. I definitely hope that I learn from my mistake but more also that I would say with Paul that Jesus' grace is sufficient for me.

One other thing I have been learning recently is a sermon I heard from lighthouse's associate pastor JR. One of the verses he preached on was Philippians 3:8-9 "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—" It's been really resonating in my mind and hopefully soon it will travel down and resonate in my heart. I mean I have heard this verse and read this verse many times but the spirit really moved me that day and the weight of the passage settled in. Do I truly count everything as loss? What if I were to lose my job, or lose a limb, or lose all my friends. Would I be able to be like Job? "Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:20-21

Recently I have been praying that God would give me the grace to understand this. To be honest, if God were to take away my job or a limb or something that gives me comfort, my first thought would not be praising Him. My first thoughts would be doubting God and His love. In light of that thought, I have been praying that God would give me a new heart that would resonate the surpassing knowledge of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord. I know that in the end it's all His grace and I pray that he would give me the ability to have complete satisfaction from Him. A lot of times I know my faith is not as strong and it does not come out as naturally as others are. I think that's why David and I are similar. Because of this we feel like our doubts are always present. So we cling. We cling because we are desperate. We strive to fight hard and a lot of times it's taxing. I think that's why a lot of times the introspections can become dark, very dark. Last time we met up David told me that he's been learning not to give in to that. It's easy to throw a pity party and let the emo darkness take control because it feels good. I have been learning to not give in and instead call out to God and read the scripture verse that tells me that He is faithful even when I am not. "Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:23-26 So with that in my mind, I pray that in the end if God were to take away everything I would be like Habakkuk "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19

I'm starting to read Knowing God again because I feel like I need to remind myself of what it truly means to know of God verses to only know about God. In the opening chapter, JI Packer quotes one of Charles Spurgeon's sermon, "Oh, there is, contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound; in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief; and in the influence of the Holy Ghost, there is a balsam for every sore. Would you lose your sorrow? Would you drown your cares? Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead's deepest sea; be lost in his immensity; and you shall come forth as from a couch of rest, refreshed and invigorated. I know nothing which can so comfort the soul; so calm the swelling billows of sorrow and grief; so speak peace to the winds of trial, as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead. It is to that subject I invite you this morning."

A verse that comes into my mind is Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

Mini lesson in life

Sunday mornings I usually leave my apt around 10:07 or so to the N,Q,R (or "yellow" line) subway station to take the train to church. Usually I check the train status but this time I forgot and right when I got to the station I saw that there was a construction notice and that there is no N or R train running in Manhattan. Since it's weekend, Q train doesn't go to Queens. (I needed to be on a train in the Queens' bound direction) I was stuck with the Q train running downtown. I swiped into the station anyway and proceeded to check and realize that there was only the downtown Q train. I then heard the a train door open and I ran down to the platform to try to jump to the Q train thinking that somehow if I head downtown I can transfer at Time Square for some other train. The door closed and I saw the train leave and thinking to myself man I'm going to be late to worship service. This blows. If only I was a little faster. I shouldn't have hesitated. As I started walking down the platform I realize that there is a quicker route than going downtown. I exited the station and proceed to the F train which is a block away and took the train and got to the service only five minutes late.

As I sat and waited for the F train, I was thankful that I didn't make the Q train because if I jumped on and ended up in Time Square I would have probably taken longer to get to church than the F train. It reminds me of life. God sometimes shuts down opportunities for us when we make a hasty and impatient decision. At the moment when the door closes on us it seems like a lost but as we reflect upon it, we may see that there is another different path that is better. God is sovereign and we are always on plan A. When we mess up in life, it might seem like God has to go to a plan B or plan C or even plan Z; however, it's all part of His plan. We can trust Him since He alone is able to see the whole picture. There is a saying in the stock market trading. In hindsight, our vision is perfect 20/20. Traders always regret not putting more money in the stock that has the highest return. We don't have 20/20 because we are human and finite. God alone has the perfect vision. Thankful to God today and will continue to until I see Him again.

Friendship and Relationships as Broken Cisterns

Somehow today a serious of events lead to a flow of emo thoughts that I haven't had in quite some time...

Maybe it was the random blog that I read a couple of days ago where someone was talking about how she's sad that people don't care any more and how it saddens her more that she doesn't know whether this is of a pure heart or of her own pride.

Maybe it was my friend who randomly IMed me telling me how she's losing faith in people... how she's tired of trying to keep friendships with people and maintaining it.

Maybe it is because I'm in NYC or particularly Manhattan where no one really smiles at anyone... and where you can't but feel lonely even though you are surrounded by people. People want their right of way. I want my right of way.

Maybe it is the recent drop in temperature and things are getting chilly and cold...

Maybe it is because I don't have as many friends here and the friends I do have here are busy... whether it is busy with school, busy with significant others, or busy with work.

I'm sure all these things led to a memory of a conversation I had with Jessica Ian (now Jessica Choi) quite some time ago back in California... We were talking about how I try to initiate with meeting up with people and how I try to keep up with people by IMing them, calling them, emailing them, texting them, etc. I then told her... you know what's sad Jess? If I stop initiating with people, I feel like no one is going to care. No one will try to meet up with me, no one will really try to keep up with me, and no one will really care if I disappeared from their radar. Jess then told me... You know, Kev... you can't think like that because it gets very dark. For many people, it's not like they don't care and they don't do it on purpose but they just forget. We all do it to some degree.

Somehow for the past few days and maybe this past week... this conversation keeps coming back into my mind... and maybe it's all the events that have been going on this week that allows this thought to linger and haunt my mind.

Maybe... it's because I did stop initiating with a lot of people... and as I experience the result... I can't but feel emo... because the friendship drifts and soon dies. There are times in the past where I did stop initiating but before it dies I resuscitate it by initiating again. When I do that I feel like I'm the one who really wants the friendship... I'm the one who is in need. I cannot be independent. I'm a needy friend. Then... does that make me sensitive?

There are times where I just let it go... thinking... you know what maybe they will miss me and initiate conversation with me. What am I thinking?! haha Sometimes I laugh at myself... for thinking I'm important or something. The result is... no one initiates conversation with me.

I believe this is what the girl meant when she said... she feels even more sadden by the fact that this sadness of knowing that people don't care might be stemmed from her own pride.

My pride tells me I am of worth to humanity. My relationship with friends are based on what I want from them... that they care and that they can tell me I'm worth existing.

It's funny how when my friend randomly IMed me today... I try to tell her things I would tell myself. Don't give up on humanity in general. We all do it to some degree. We pick and choose who we want to be friends with. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself these things...

Then I thought of God. How He did not give up on us even when we don't love Him or turn to Him and when we keep denying His love. I take His love for granted. All the blessings He has bestowed upon me. The ability to be living in America with all the freedoms, the ability to have friends, the ability to have food on the table, and the ability to know Jesus.

Maybe I should have told her the gospel... the good news that will save our souls. The good news that God so loved the world that even when we denied Him, He gave His one and only son, Jesus, to initiate the broken relationship and continually being patient with our unfaithful love towards Him.

Maybe He has allowed me to think about these emo thoughts and allowed me to see that I look for the living water that only Jesus can offer in people. I look for the living water in broken cisterns instead of turning my face towards Jesus.

"For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water" -Jeremiah 2:13

"Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." -John 4:13-14

I'm glad God is not like me who tends to want to give up on humanity and friendship and drops the relationship just because the other is not giving me attention, care, and love. God is all sufficient and does not need our attention, care, nor love yet He loves us. "How can I give you up, O Ephraim? How can I hand you over, O Israel? How can I make you like Admah? How can I treat you like Zeboiim? My heart recoils within me; my compassion grows warm and tender. I will not execute my burning anger; I will not again destroy Ephraim; for I am God and not a man, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath" Hosea 11:8-9

At the end of these thoughts... I remember David Jungpa Lee. A fellow brother who understands a lot about me. I'm thankful to God for the friendship that we are able to develop over these past years. Even though we are separated by distance, we still try to make an effort to maintain the friendship. Seriously at the end of my train of emo thoughts... I thought of David and somehow that almost brought a tear to my eye. You know that feeling where you feel like you are full of tears and sadness and about to cry? That's what I felt. I think I felt a sense of hope that indeed there are people that God has blessed me with that are sensitive and understands me and will maintain the friendship with me.

I'm currently also listening to the Desiring God National Conference 2010 on "Think: The life of the Mind and the Love of God." Thabiti's message at the end pointed me back to the gospel. I loved it. It was thoroughly refreshing to hear.

Maybe God allowed these trains of thoughts and allowed me to see the reality of it all... to show me my broken cisterns. This way I will be able to recognize true living water of Jesus when I hear the Gospel.

I remember Ravi Zacharias said, "The loneliest moment in life is when you have experienced that which you thought would have delivered the ultimate but it has let you down."

Broken cistern hold sludge, and filthy drain water... they don't deliver the ultimate. The Gospel offers free, flowing living water in Jesus Christ. Jesus will deliver the ultimate. True joy.

"On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" -John 7:37-38

Tears of sorrow with my friend

Not too long ago, I was talking to David Jungpa Lee about how I need a defibrillator to reawaken my love for the bible.

Yesterday Sam Kim (Medical student at Loma Linda) and I was catching up and at the end we talked about how we needed a jolt in our lives to reawaken the passion. To understand the banal saying "Jesus is our treasure" and to know what it really means.

Today, I attended a memorial service for the dad of one of my really good buddies from college. I got to know Aaron through my other good friend Sunny (He is a guy). Aaron and Sunny used to live together in Emeryville with a third roommate Dan. That's how I first found out about Emerybay apartments.

I got to know Aaron and Sunny throughout college during my freshman and sophomore year. They were the same age as me (Both of them are slightly older than me) but they were two classes above me. They both were very hospitable to me and showed me the ropes to life at Berkeley.

They are people I can trust with my life. I was going through a pretty rough time during the first two years at Berkeley but with their friendship I was able to smile through it all.

I kept in touch with them after they graduated. They both moved down to so cal and married their respective high school sweethearts. Even though they both moved far away, our friendship did not dwindle. I still meet up with them ever so often. Maybe it's a guy's thing but we don't necessarily need to be in constant contact to maintain the familiarity and trust.

I met up with them recently and Aaron told me that his wife is expecting. I was so excited. Even though I have a seen a lot of babies pop up recently, this was special since Aaron is special to me.

A couple of days ago, his dad passed away. I talked to him afterwards online and he seems well. He was encouraging me. His faith was strong and He was thankful through it all. I was thoroughly amazed and I figured Aaron is doing okay. He did not seemed to be sad at all. Although, I honestly could not imagine Aaron sad. Ever since I met him, his smile has always been contagious. He is always very optimistic about life. He is very balanced. He is never judgmental. He has a heart for the Lord and through his examples, I can see his faith lived out. He is seriously the most jolly guy I have ever met.

Today, I drove into the church where the memorial service was going to be held. Honestly speaking, I did not feel the gravity of what happened as I stepped into the church. Maybe it was the lack of time of processing, or maybe it was his joyful attitude online, but the somberness of it all did not hit me as I met up with Sunny and his wife Kat at the church to sit down for the service. Although I realized that for me, a lot of emotional things don't hit me till a lot later.

Half way through it, the gravity of it started to sink. My mind started clicking that yes even though his dad is in heaven, it is still sad. Even though Aaron does have the right perspective, the situation is still sad. Even though, they are separately only temporarily, it is still sad. It would be inhuman to not be sad.

The final weight of it hit me when I saw Aaron step up to deliver the words of appreciation. I have never seen his face like that before. Never. It was marked by heaviness yet maturity. As he spoke, I could not stop the emotions that surfaced. I rarely cry and I rarely shed a tear. Today, I could not stop myself from tearing. As he spoke, there were moments he would need to stop for a few seconds to hold his tears and continue. Even the translator started to tear and sniffle. I had to look at the ceiling to prevent the tears from falling down my face.

I paused for a moment and thought, ahh now I know what it means to weep with those who weep. I was sad because Aaron was sad. Aaron is a good friend and to see him sad, I am torned because I don't want Aaron to feel sad. As I saw Aaron, I remember thinking, who has the right to take away his unceasing smile. I was sad but I was also angry and maybe it was towards God for making my friend sad in this way. Even though Aaron through out his speech, kept saying it was a glorious day and that God's grace is more than abundant to sustain him and his family.

As I lined up to exit, I was debating in my head whether to smile as I approach him so that I can encourage him to be happy or whether I should weep and let my emotions take over. In the end, I asked God to help me convey the right emotions whether it is an encouraging smile or a empathetic weep.

The line up was Aaron's sister, Kelly, Aaron's wife Nancy, Aaron and then his mom. As I approached them, I could not stop my tears from welling up. I shook hands with Kelly, and then I hugged Nancy. Then I turned and see Aaron and he is actually smiling at me. I embraced him with tears flowing and could not stop the emotions from pouring forth. I wanted to say I love you... however, no words came out. It was the first time, I couldn't say anything. I just embraced him and then I shook hands with the mom.

As I drove home, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't care by then. I had my shades on and my windows were tinted. I just let it out. I stopped myself after a couple of blocks. I had a lot of questions.

I'm still processing this... still unraveling what all of it means. Why did I cry? Why did it hit me so late? What does this all mean? What is God's lesson behind this? Is this the jolt that I need?

I took it slow on the way home. I let cars zipped by me. I did not care. There is a passage that keeps coming back to my mind. In it contains one of the verses used in the memorial service sermon.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. "

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,11

Temperament, Introspection, Psalm 42

"But while I emphasize, with all my being, the fact that temperament does not make the slightest difference in the matter of our fundamental salvation, I am equally anxious to emphasize the fact that it does make a very great difference in actual experience in the Christian life, and that when you are trying to diagnose a condition such as that of spiritual depression, it is something with which you should start, it is something to put at the very beginning."

"There is a type of person who is particularly prone to spiritual depression. That does not mean that they are any worse than others. Indeed, I could make out a good case for saying that quite often the people who stand out most gloriously in the history of the Church are people of the very type we are now considering. Some of the greatest saints belong to the introverts; the extrovert is generally a more superficial person. In the natural realm there is the type of person who tends to be always analysing himself, analysing everything he does, and worrying about the possible effects of his actions, always hacking back, always full of vain regrets."

"But what is the difference between examining oneself and becoming introspective? I suggest that we cross the line from self-examination to introspection when, in a sense, we do nothing but examine ourselves, and when such self-examination becomes the main and chief end in our life. We are meant to examine ourselves periodically, but if we are always doing it, always, as it were, putting our soul on a plate and dissecting it, that is introspection."

"Some of us by nature, and by the very type to which we belong, are more given to this spiritual disease called spiritual depression than others. We belong to the same company as Jeremiah, and John the Baptist and Paul and Luther and many others. A great company! Yes, but you cannot belong to it without being unusually subject to this particular type of trial."

"I say that we must talk to ourselves instead of allowing 'ourselves' to talk to us! Do you realize what that means? I suggest that the main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical? Far from it. This is the very essence of wisdom in this matter. Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them, but they start talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you."

-Martyn Lloyd Jones

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." -Psalm 42:5

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." -Psalm 42:11