Maybe it was the random blog that I read a couple of days ago where someone was talking about how she's sad that people don't care any more and how it saddens her more that she doesn't know whether this is of a pure heart or of her own pride.
Maybe it was my friend who randomly IMed me telling me how she's losing faith in people... how she's tired of trying to keep friendships with people and maintaining it.
Maybe it is because I'm in NYC or particularly Manhattan where no one really smiles at anyone... and where you can't but feel lonely even though you are surrounded by people. People want their right of way. I want my right of way.
Maybe it is the recent drop in temperature and things are getting chilly and cold...
Maybe it is because I don't have as many friends here and the friends I do have here are busy... whether it is busy with school, busy with significant others, or busy with work.
I'm sure all these things led to a memory of a conversation I had with Jessica Ian (now Jessica Choi) quite some time ago back in California... We were talking about how I try to initiate with meeting up with people and how I try to keep up with people by IMing them, calling them, emailing them, texting them, etc. I then told her... you know what's sad Jess? If I stop initiating with people, I feel like no one is going to care. No one will try to meet up with me, no one will really try to keep up with me, and no one will really care if I disappeared from their radar. Jess then told me... You know, Kev... you can't think like that because it gets very dark. For many people, it's not like they don't care and they don't do it on purpose but they just forget. We all do it to some degree.
Somehow for the past few days and maybe this past week... this conversation keeps coming back into my mind... and maybe it's all the events that have been going on this week that allows this thought to linger and haunt my mind.
Maybe... it's because I did stop initiating with a lot of people... and as I experience the result... I can't but feel emo... because the friendship drifts and soon dies. There are times in the past where I did stop initiating but before it dies I resuscitate it by initiating again. When I do that I feel like I'm the one who really wants the friendship... I'm the one who is in need. I cannot be independent. I'm a needy friend. Then... does that make me sensitive?
There are times where I just let it go... thinking... you know what maybe they will miss me and initiate conversation with me. What am I thinking?! haha Sometimes I laugh at myself... for thinking I'm important or something. The result is... no one initiates conversation with me.
I believe this is what the girl meant when she said... she feels even more sadden by the fact that this sadness of knowing that people don't care might be stemmed from her own pride.
My pride tells me I am of worth to humanity. My relationship with friends are based on what I want from them... that they care and that they can tell me I'm worth existing.
It's funny how when my friend randomly IMed me today... I try to tell her things I would tell myself. Don't give up on humanity in general. We all do it to some degree. We pick and choose who we want to be friends with. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself these things...
Then I thought of God. How He did not give up on us even when we don't love Him or turn to Him and when we keep denying His love. I take His love for granted. All the blessings He has bestowed upon me. The ability to be living in America with all the freedoms, the ability to have friends, the ability to have food on the table, and the ability to know Jesus.
Maybe I should have told her the gospel... the good news that will save our souls. The good news that God so loved the world that even when we denied Him, He gave His one and only son, Jesus, to initiate the broken relationship and continually being patient with our unfaithful love towards Him.
Maybe He has allowed me to think about these emo thoughts and allowed me to see that I look for the living water that only Jesus can offer in people. I look for the living water in broken cisterns instead of turning my face towards Jesus.
"For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water" -Jeremiah 2:13
"Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." -John 4:13-14
I'm glad God is not like me who tends to want to give up on humanity and friendship and drops the relationship just because the other is not giving me attention, care, and love. God is all sufficient and does not need our attention, care, nor love yet He loves us. "How can I give you up, O Ephraim? How can I hand you over, O Israel? How can I make you like Admah? How can I treat you like Zeboiim? My heart recoils within me; my compassion grows warm and tender. I will not execute my burning anger; I will not again destroy Ephraim; for I am God and not a man, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath" Hosea 11:8-9
At the end of these thoughts... I remember David Jungpa Lee. A fellow brother who understands a lot about me. I'm thankful to God for the friendship that we are able to develop over these past years. Even though we are separated by distance, we still try to make an effort to maintain the friendship. Seriously at the end of my train of emo thoughts... I thought of David and somehow that almost brought a tear to my eye. You know that feeling where you feel like you are full of tears and sadness and about to cry? That's what I felt. I think I felt a sense of hope that indeed there are people that God has blessed me with that are sensitive and understands me and will maintain the friendship with me.
I'm currently also listening to the Desiring God National Conference 2010 on "Think: The life of the Mind and the Love of God." Thabiti's message at the end pointed me back to the gospel. I loved it. It was thoroughly refreshing to hear.
Maybe God allowed these trains of thoughts and allowed me to see the reality of it all... to show me my broken cisterns. This way I will be able to recognize true living water of Jesus when I hear the Gospel.
I remember Ravi Zacharias said, "The loneliest moment in life is when you have experienced that which you thought would have delivered the ultimate but it has let you down."
Broken cistern hold sludge, and filthy drain water... they don't deliver the ultimate. The Gospel offers free, flowing living water in Jesus Christ. Jesus will deliver the ultimate. True joy.
"On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" -John 7:37-38
Kevin. You are one of the people I know I can say is really a good person and looks out for others as much as or more than you look out for yourself. As I was reading your blog, I realized, its not that people dont care, (like in my relationship with you), its that people think that you're fine, and that your life is full and busy, that you do not really expect our checking in with you. And then of course, it also depends on how close we actually are. As you said, the closer, the more expectations. Anyway, I thought of one feasible solution to this. We can simply say, "hey, I like talking to you, would it be too much to ask if you check in with me every once in a while you see me online? I'd really like that" and people will know. As human beings, we have to learn to communicate better...and some people might not want to honor that request, but at least if they dont, they can let us know so we have no expectations. No hurt. Anyway, Kevin, would you check in with me every once in a while? I appreciate our interactions.
ReplyDeleteWow Goa Goa, I completely agree with a lot of what you said. Some parts of your blog made me cry... My tears actually welled up and POURED out of my eyes, lots of drops actually. Just bc this showed me a more sensitive side of you. It is always good to be sentimental and sensitive than not, bc then I feel you can be more in tune with Jesus himself... You sense his emotions for you too... The later half of this blog was very liberating...refreshing, uplifts you back to reality... true reality with Christ's unwavering love compared to human care. I'm glad I got to read this =') I stumble across your blogs every so often at JUST the right time...
ReplyDelete- Your Lil Sis mui mui >.<
Oh and I also agree with one particular part your friend "Smart" said: "[I] think that you're fine, and that your life is full and busy" -- at least that is my reason for being afraid to check in with you, unless I really have to ask you something. That's when I'm desparate, and it's inevitable that I have to "bug" you. But I am always welcoming/awaiting on the other end of the phone whenever you're not busy to catch up. Kinda like functioning on your time or I feel more comfortable with you calling bc then you're in a good mood as opposed to me catching you at your busy times =X Plus I'm always afraid you're busy... But anytime I receive your call, I am always happy to talk to you, even if it's less than 5 min =) What you blogged about is a whole different thing than this though, and I often feel the way you with some of my college friends... So I understand. We're both sentimental people. =)
ReplyDeleteI love that quote from Ravi--reminds me of Counterfeit Gods. We gotta stay in touch emo bro! We must have more emo dinners together discussing the cesspool of despair (I mean the ascent from the cesspool of depair--maybe...) ;)
ReplyDelete