Friendship and Relationships as Broken Cisterns

Somehow today a serious of events lead to a flow of emo thoughts that I haven't had in quite some time...

Maybe it was the random blog that I read a couple of days ago where someone was talking about how she's sad that people don't care any more and how it saddens her more that she doesn't know whether this is of a pure heart or of her own pride.

Maybe it was my friend who randomly IMed me telling me how she's losing faith in people... how she's tired of trying to keep friendships with people and maintaining it.

Maybe it is because I'm in NYC or particularly Manhattan where no one really smiles at anyone... and where you can't but feel lonely even though you are surrounded by people. People want their right of way. I want my right of way.

Maybe it is the recent drop in temperature and things are getting chilly and cold...

Maybe it is because I don't have as many friends here and the friends I do have here are busy... whether it is busy with school, busy with significant others, or busy with work.

I'm sure all these things led to a memory of a conversation I had with Jessica Ian (now Jessica Choi) quite some time ago back in California... We were talking about how I try to initiate with meeting up with people and how I try to keep up with people by IMing them, calling them, emailing them, texting them, etc. I then told her... you know what's sad Jess? If I stop initiating with people, I feel like no one is going to care. No one will try to meet up with me, no one will really try to keep up with me, and no one will really care if I disappeared from their radar. Jess then told me... You know, Kev... you can't think like that because it gets very dark. For many people, it's not like they don't care and they don't do it on purpose but they just forget. We all do it to some degree.

Somehow for the past few days and maybe this past week... this conversation keeps coming back into my mind... and maybe it's all the events that have been going on this week that allows this thought to linger and haunt my mind.

Maybe... it's because I did stop initiating with a lot of people... and as I experience the result... I can't but feel emo... because the friendship drifts and soon dies. There are times in the past where I did stop initiating but before it dies I resuscitate it by initiating again. When I do that I feel like I'm the one who really wants the friendship... I'm the one who is in need. I cannot be independent. I'm a needy friend. Then... does that make me sensitive?

There are times where I just let it go... thinking... you know what maybe they will miss me and initiate conversation with me. What am I thinking?! haha Sometimes I laugh at myself... for thinking I'm important or something. The result is... no one initiates conversation with me.

I believe this is what the girl meant when she said... she feels even more sadden by the fact that this sadness of knowing that people don't care might be stemmed from her own pride.

My pride tells me I am of worth to humanity. My relationship with friends are based on what I want from them... that they care and that they can tell me I'm worth existing.

It's funny how when my friend randomly IMed me today... I try to tell her things I would tell myself. Don't give up on humanity in general. We all do it to some degree. We pick and choose who we want to be friends with. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself these things...

Then I thought of God. How He did not give up on us even when we don't love Him or turn to Him and when we keep denying His love. I take His love for granted. All the blessings He has bestowed upon me. The ability to be living in America with all the freedoms, the ability to have friends, the ability to have food on the table, and the ability to know Jesus.

Maybe I should have told her the gospel... the good news that will save our souls. The good news that God so loved the world that even when we denied Him, He gave His one and only son, Jesus, to initiate the broken relationship and continually being patient with our unfaithful love towards Him.

Maybe He has allowed me to think about these emo thoughts and allowed me to see that I look for the living water that only Jesus can offer in people. I look for the living water in broken cisterns instead of turning my face towards Jesus.

"For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water" -Jeremiah 2:13

"Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." -John 4:13-14

I'm glad God is not like me who tends to want to give up on humanity and friendship and drops the relationship just because the other is not giving me attention, care, and love. God is all sufficient and does not need our attention, care, nor love yet He loves us. "How can I give you up, O Ephraim? How can I hand you over, O Israel? How can I make you like Admah? How can I treat you like Zeboiim? My heart recoils within me; my compassion grows warm and tender. I will not execute my burning anger; I will not again destroy Ephraim; for I am God and not a man, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath" Hosea 11:8-9

At the end of these thoughts... I remember David Jungpa Lee. A fellow brother who understands a lot about me. I'm thankful to God for the friendship that we are able to develop over these past years. Even though we are separated by distance, we still try to make an effort to maintain the friendship. Seriously at the end of my train of emo thoughts... I thought of David and somehow that almost brought a tear to my eye. You know that feeling where you feel like you are full of tears and sadness and about to cry? That's what I felt. I think I felt a sense of hope that indeed there are people that God has blessed me with that are sensitive and understands me and will maintain the friendship with me.

I'm currently also listening to the Desiring God National Conference 2010 on "Think: The life of the Mind and the Love of God." Thabiti's message at the end pointed me back to the gospel. I loved it. It was thoroughly refreshing to hear.

Maybe God allowed these trains of thoughts and allowed me to see the reality of it all... to show me my broken cisterns. This way I will be able to recognize true living water of Jesus when I hear the Gospel.

I remember Ravi Zacharias said, "The loneliest moment in life is when you have experienced that which you thought would have delivered the ultimate but it has let you down."

Broken cistern hold sludge, and filthy drain water... they don't deliver the ultimate. The Gospel offers free, flowing living water in Jesus Christ. Jesus will deliver the ultimate. True joy.

"On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" -John 7:37-38

Tears of sorrow with my friend

Not too long ago, I was talking to David Jungpa Lee about how I need a defibrillator to reawaken my love for the bible.

Yesterday Sam Kim (Medical student at Loma Linda) and I was catching up and at the end we talked about how we needed a jolt in our lives to reawaken the passion. To understand the banal saying "Jesus is our treasure" and to know what it really means.

Today, I attended a memorial service for the dad of one of my really good buddies from college. I got to know Aaron through my other good friend Sunny (He is a guy). Aaron and Sunny used to live together in Emeryville with a third roommate Dan. That's how I first found out about Emerybay apartments.

I got to know Aaron and Sunny throughout college during my freshman and sophomore year. They were the same age as me (Both of them are slightly older than me) but they were two classes above me. They both were very hospitable to me and showed me the ropes to life at Berkeley.

They are people I can trust with my life. I was going through a pretty rough time during the first two years at Berkeley but with their friendship I was able to smile through it all.

I kept in touch with them after they graduated. They both moved down to so cal and married their respective high school sweethearts. Even though they both moved far away, our friendship did not dwindle. I still meet up with them ever so often. Maybe it's a guy's thing but we don't necessarily need to be in constant contact to maintain the familiarity and trust.

I met up with them recently and Aaron told me that his wife is expecting. I was so excited. Even though I have a seen a lot of babies pop up recently, this was special since Aaron is special to me.

A couple of days ago, his dad passed away. I talked to him afterwards online and he seems well. He was encouraging me. His faith was strong and He was thankful through it all. I was thoroughly amazed and I figured Aaron is doing okay. He did not seemed to be sad at all. Although, I honestly could not imagine Aaron sad. Ever since I met him, his smile has always been contagious. He is always very optimistic about life. He is very balanced. He is never judgmental. He has a heart for the Lord and through his examples, I can see his faith lived out. He is seriously the most jolly guy I have ever met.

Today, I drove into the church where the memorial service was going to be held. Honestly speaking, I did not feel the gravity of what happened as I stepped into the church. Maybe it was the lack of time of processing, or maybe it was his joyful attitude online, but the somberness of it all did not hit me as I met up with Sunny and his wife Kat at the church to sit down for the service. Although I realized that for me, a lot of emotional things don't hit me till a lot later.

Half way through it, the gravity of it started to sink. My mind started clicking that yes even though his dad is in heaven, it is still sad. Even though Aaron does have the right perspective, the situation is still sad. Even though, they are separately only temporarily, it is still sad. It would be inhuman to not be sad.

The final weight of it hit me when I saw Aaron step up to deliver the words of appreciation. I have never seen his face like that before. Never. It was marked by heaviness yet maturity. As he spoke, I could not stop the emotions that surfaced. I rarely cry and I rarely shed a tear. Today, I could not stop myself from tearing. As he spoke, there were moments he would need to stop for a few seconds to hold his tears and continue. Even the translator started to tear and sniffle. I had to look at the ceiling to prevent the tears from falling down my face.

I paused for a moment and thought, ahh now I know what it means to weep with those who weep. I was sad because Aaron was sad. Aaron is a good friend and to see him sad, I am torned because I don't want Aaron to feel sad. As I saw Aaron, I remember thinking, who has the right to take away his unceasing smile. I was sad but I was also angry and maybe it was towards God for making my friend sad in this way. Even though Aaron through out his speech, kept saying it was a glorious day and that God's grace is more than abundant to sustain him and his family.

As I lined up to exit, I was debating in my head whether to smile as I approach him so that I can encourage him to be happy or whether I should weep and let my emotions take over. In the end, I asked God to help me convey the right emotions whether it is an encouraging smile or a empathetic weep.

The line up was Aaron's sister, Kelly, Aaron's wife Nancy, Aaron and then his mom. As I approached them, I could not stop my tears from welling up. I shook hands with Kelly, and then I hugged Nancy. Then I turned and see Aaron and he is actually smiling at me. I embraced him with tears flowing and could not stop the emotions from pouring forth. I wanted to say I love you... however, no words came out. It was the first time, I couldn't say anything. I just embraced him and then I shook hands with the mom.

As I drove home, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't care by then. I had my shades on and my windows were tinted. I just let it out. I stopped myself after a couple of blocks. I had a lot of questions.

I'm still processing this... still unraveling what all of it means. Why did I cry? Why did it hit me so late? What does this all mean? What is God's lesson behind this? Is this the jolt that I need?

I took it slow on the way home. I let cars zipped by me. I did not care. There is a passage that keeps coming back to my mind. In it contains one of the verses used in the memorial service sermon.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. "

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,11

Temperament, Introspection, Psalm 42

"But while I emphasize, with all my being, the fact that temperament does not make the slightest difference in the matter of our fundamental salvation, I am equally anxious to emphasize the fact that it does make a very great difference in actual experience in the Christian life, and that when you are trying to diagnose a condition such as that of spiritual depression, it is something with which you should start, it is something to put at the very beginning."

"There is a type of person who is particularly prone to spiritual depression. That does not mean that they are any worse than others. Indeed, I could make out a good case for saying that quite often the people who stand out most gloriously in the history of the Church are people of the very type we are now considering. Some of the greatest saints belong to the introverts; the extrovert is generally a more superficial person. In the natural realm there is the type of person who tends to be always analysing himself, analysing everything he does, and worrying about the possible effects of his actions, always hacking back, always full of vain regrets."

"But what is the difference between examining oneself and becoming introspective? I suggest that we cross the line from self-examination to introspection when, in a sense, we do nothing but examine ourselves, and when such self-examination becomes the main and chief end in our life. We are meant to examine ourselves periodically, but if we are always doing it, always, as it were, putting our soul on a plate and dissecting it, that is introspection."

"Some of us by nature, and by the very type to which we belong, are more given to this spiritual disease called spiritual depression than others. We belong to the same company as Jeremiah, and John the Baptist and Paul and Luther and many others. A great company! Yes, but you cannot belong to it without being unusually subject to this particular type of trial."

"I say that we must talk to ourselves instead of allowing 'ourselves' to talk to us! Do you realize what that means? I suggest that the main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical? Far from it. This is the very essence of wisdom in this matter. Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them, but they start talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you."

-Martyn Lloyd Jones

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." -Psalm 42:5

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." -Psalm 42:11

Multimedia Consuming Machine

Recently as I was on my commute from work, I heard a radio commercial on the new droid X. It talked about how the new droid X will be able to transform us into a multimedia consuming machine. I have heard it many times before but this time I heard it as I was parking my car so I had time to think about it... Wait what is this commercial trying to appeal to the audience? Isn't it targeting the people who want to become multimedia consuming machine?

Do I want to become a multimedia consuming machine? I don't think so... Then it hit me... it's sad because I'm sure many people will be like wow I want to see how this droid X will be able to satisfy my thirst for media. Isn't that sad though? We are now reduced to a machine who only knows how to please the self and be blasted with mindless entertainment.

I think it's really sad these days... that everyone has a toy with them no matter where they go... I have one. I have an iphone. I tried not to pull it out when I'm with friends and family. I have seen family dinners where one person would be on their PSP and be self absorbed. I have seen people walking down the streets with their family and one of the family members would have their earphones plugged in. I think it's sad that people no longer care about relationships with other human beings. People are so focused on how to entertain themselves...

I think it's a result of this generation where information is so readily accessible and not just information but what we desire is readily accessible. The media is telling us that if we want it we can obtain it. It almost seems a right that we should be able to obtain things instantaneously. We no longer understand patience and waiting on God. We no longer undertand that it is a grace and not a right. If we want to talk to our friend who is far away, we pick up our phone and call them or if we want to write to them, we send them an email. No one writes letter anymore. There is no need to wait on God's providence to see whether the letter made it through the storm to the recipient. If the farmers need to grow food, there is no need to wait for the rain, we create our own irrigation and we provide our own water sources. If we are at a book store and we want to know whether a book is good or not, we can take out our smartphone and check the reviews. If someone wants to know why NYC is called the big apple, we can look it up on wikipedia instantaneously. If we want to listen to a certain song, we can youtube it or buy it off itunes immediately. If we want to watch a certain anime or drama, we can download it off bittorrent. With our internet's ever increasing speed, we can obtain almost any information with a few clicks. We are so used to immediate gratification... and it becomes really apparent when we have to wait for something. When the internet connection is crappy and we have to wait a little bit for the page to load... or how sometime we don't want to invest the time necessary to develop a friendship because we want our friend to immediately understand and get us... we don't wanna go through the ups and downs and hash out the differences and how we want the other person to understand us more than we understand them or how we don't wanna cook because it takes a long time to prepare... or how we don't wanna write letters because it takes too long to write and typing is so much faster and how the delivery takes forever.. or how hard it is for us to focus on one thing and commit to it when we are presented with another thing that will satisfy us immediately... or how hard it is for us to run because we get bored so easily... the list goes on. I think it really hit me when I recently went to CNN to check the news and I hear about how in Germany there was a love parade and how more than 19 people were killed in a stampede... how do you feel when you read a news like that? I'll tell you how I feel... I'm numb to it. One reason is because everyday CNN broadcast some news of death... with twitter and all the social media... and all the information overload I just grow numb to certain things... I don't think social media and technology is a bad thing at all. I work in the tech industry but I think it's good that I'm aware of these things so I can understand why I feel this way and how to combat it.

I think this is really evident in my prayer... I tend to pray weak prayers and act with plan and might. What I mean is this... I pray for something but I feel like in order to secure what I want I need to have a plan. Things like salvation of my mom, getting into grad school, etc. I pray weak prayers and I feel like... okay I prayed... now it's my turn to do the rest... but I always forget that... "The king is not saved by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue. Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine." Psalm 33:16-19. I forget what it means to be patient and to wait for the Lord.

It reminds me of a verse in James 5 on patience. "Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmers waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand." James 5:7-8 The audience of James' letter knew exactly what James is talking about because many of them knew what a farmer had to do. Back in the days... a farmer had to wait for the rain... I remember hearing a sermon recently on what is the early rain and the late rain. The early rain is for the soil to become soft so the seed can be planted and the late rain is for the actual growth... isn't it crazy that people had to wait for not just one season of rain but two seasons... without created water sources and massive irrigations they had to wait for the Lord. I think because a lot of their lifestyle were dependent upon the Lord they knew how to practice patiences and grow in it. In this generation... we don't know what it means to be patient... we get angry or throw a tandrum if the subway doesn't arrive on time or if we don't get what we want immediately.

So... to fight my impatience... I try to do some of the old school stuff like... writing letters, cooking, praying more, running more, taking a break from media, and just reflecting upon these things so that I won't get too absorbed in what the media is telling me and how Satan is deceiving my desires. Don't you think we were made for something more than just being a multimedia consuming machine? Don't you find your heart beat just a little faster when you see a handwritten letter among the stack of bills and statements? Don't you find it exhilarating after running for an hour and getting a runner's high. Don't you find it so much more warmer and intimate when you drive out to meet a friend instead of calling them. Don't you find it rewarding when you spend the time to cook a meal for someone and they enjoy it? Don't you find it refreshing when you spend time planning and enjoying a camping trip with your friends? Don't you find it amazing to reflect upon the majesty of God and His abundant grace? Don't you feel lazy and nasty after being blasted by endless entertainment for days?

My hope is that I will never lose the sight of what I am created for and that it is not to be a multimedia consuming machine... but to be a selfless, loving, and patient man who has experienced His grace and will be a channel of His blessings.

I end with this Christian principle that I read recently by Martyn Lloyd Jones. "'Now that I am a Christian, and because I am a Christian I am in the Kingdom of God and all my thinking has got to be different. Everything here is different. I must not bring with me those old ideas, those old moods and concepts of thought'. We tend to confine salvation to one thing, namely to forgiveness, but we have to apply the principle throughout the Christian life."

For once, I wish I did not have my headphones on

Yesterday, around 3:30PM, I took the 1 train home from campus. It was quite crowded for an afternoon train. The train was a hot one (meaning the AC was either broken or weak). After stepping on I shuffle my way to the door opposite of where I entered. I usually take this spot when there is no seat available. It was pretty uneventful until I hit 86th st. The door closed and I saw this old man with a crane outside who had just ran to the door. The door reopened and he stepped in. If it was any other person, there is no way the door would have opened again especially during semi-rush hour. Anyway, it was an old asian looking man with sunspots and a crane. I didn't like the way he looked. He looked arrogant and then right as the train started moving, I saw him look at the two seats right next to the door where he just entered. It was occupied with one mom with a baby in front and a child maybe 2 years old in the other seat. I saw him mutter something to the girl. I had my headphones on and so I couldn't hear a thing he was saying but from what I can see, I don't like it. It seems as if he was telling them he had a right to sit there because he's old. My instinct came in and I glared at him. My first thoughts were who is this old man thinking he is?! Sure, if you are senile people should offer you a seat but in no way does that justify you claiming a seat especially in a hot train with a bunch of people. Not only that, the mom and the child had every right to that seat if not more right than the old man. I would bet a good amount of money that the old man never really cared about his family. Otherwise, he would be sympathetic, maybe that's why he's all by himself with no family to take care of him. Then this other person across from the mom and child's seat offered him a seat and then he proceed to talk directly to the mom about something. Again, I couldn't hear because I still had my headphones on. This time I really wish I didn't have them on. He then proceed to mutter something twice and then decides to sit down. Then I simply got angry and gave him dirty looks all over thinking man what a disgrace to the asian race. I simply dislike old asian people especially chinese who thinks they have a right to everything simply because they are old (make us look so bad). I wanted to yell at him or have him simply repeat what he said because by now I took off my headphones and intently trying to calm my fury. I try to smile at the kids and the mom but they were simply hidden from my view by all the people in the train. Then at 66th st, the mom and the kid got off and then my fury subsided a little (the heat definitely did not help) and I started to feel bad for him. He probably has no friends, he probably has no family and he probably does not know what he is doing is wrong. Maybe because he has no friends to tell him to warn him that his behavior is arrogant. Then I thought who am I to judge, maybe he what he muttered was nothing of that sort since I did not hear it. For once, I really wish I did not have my headphones on... or maybe God planned it so that I won't get too heated and end up fuming and yelling at the old man or something. Then, finally the train approached 50th st which is my station and I saw the man getting up towards the exit as well. Normally, if it was any other person I would have let him go first... no not this time, my full blown new york type A personality came out and I stepped up to the door in front of him (no I did not cut him off... my fury was still fuming but I had saddness for the man... or maybe I did... it depends on how you define cutting someone off). I sped off the train hoping that no one would associate me with him.

Remembering the foundation on which we stand

I chilled at the WWII memorial yesterday which is located between the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial. As I sat there I thought about all those who went to war. All those who died who left behind families and loved ones just so freedom can be obtained. Many who fought in the war were younger than me... they probably never really experienced what it means to be a dad or a mom or even an adult. Many would think it is such a waste to die so young. I believe it is sad that they have to die in order to obtain such a precious gift as freedom. Yet how easily it is to forget the sacrifice of these brave young soldiers. How easily we live each day thinking that happiness should be a given and that happiness is our right. So many people who are able to live in America forget the blessings of being able to live freely and safely knowing that our home will not just blow up in the middle of the night, or that when we go to the bathroom it will flush, or that there are fresh water to shower and drink or that it will be warm when we sleep. We forget the luxury of being able to travel freely. We forget the luxury of cellphones and having a car or being able to ride public transportation. We forget the luxury of being able to listen to our ipods. We forget the luxury of being well fed. We are simply unhappy with all the blessings. or I should say I am unhappy or I am not content with my life. I love being able to just be reminded of how much I need to be thankful for. That God has allowed me to be living in this era with all these technological advances and the luxury of being able to live life freely. I am thankful that I remember those who have gone ahead and paved the way and I am thankful for their sacrifice to make my life so much more easier and luxurious.
This is why there are memorials built for them. It reminds me of Joshua 4 when Joshua and his people were commanded to cross the river with the ark and they were supposed to pick up twelve memorial stones so that they will remember what the Lord did for them.

God made a sacrifice as well to purchase our freedom. The sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ and He left us a memorial to remember Him. The bible, the time (BC and AD), and faithful men and women who preach the gospel.

This is the one sacrifice that mattered in the ultimate sense. The freedom of sin and the freedom of the burden of guilt are forever banished upon the cross. A lot of times I forget the price and the sacrifice that was made. Jesus never married and He did not have a prestigious life in the world's eyes. He had to hide from the pharisees and many people went to him only to use him for healing. He like the soldiers died young and didn't really experience life. He died so that we might be able to stand upon the freedom that He obtained. We are able to stand on the solid foundation of knowing that we are right with God. I need to be reminded of the sacrifice and be thankful for the freedom and luxury of knowing God.

"For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time." 1 Timothy 2:5-6

Spring break: a piece of home is coming to me =)

Spring break. Many of my friends go home for spring break. I on the other hand have a piece of home come to me.

My good high school friend Jaime Kim is schedule to arrive in about 3 hours. Her flight was delayed for 3+ hours. poor her I feel bad. After I blog this post, I will venture out on to the subway and head towards JFK to pick her up.

I miss home. I realized... even though I only spent high school years in so cal I would still call it my home. It's a long story and if you want to hear it you can call me up but basically... when people ask where you are from I would say so cal even though I lived there the shortest out of everywhere else I have lived.

Those four years were tough for my mom and probably my sister. I was rebellious (I am still rebellious). I was not saved. (even though I am saved now I still have much more to work on) I definitely wish I would have behaved differently... but I guess that's part of the maturing process.

Maybe because it was tough, I wanted to leave. I feel like a lot of times I am always on the run and never wanting to "return" home. Doesn't it remind you of the prodigal son?

Coming to NYC was not a big problem to me. Simply because I am used to being away from home... or actually I should say I am used to change. I was born and raised in HK. (8 years) immigrated to east coast (8 years) and then moved to so cal (4 years) and then bay area (7 years) and now what? nyc (5+ years?) however, maybe as I am simply getting older... I'm starting to miss home. Back in the days... thoughts of returning home would come but the moment would vanish before I can even hold it...

Or maybe it's the idea of home that I am missing.... where people are helping each other out, people are serving one another and people that knows you and understands you, people that you laugh with and people you have silences with... because they won't be awkward silences.

However, a lot of times, when I do think of home... I also think of the drama that sometimes happens. Then I am reminded of this verse:

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going." John 14:1-4

Maybe the idea of home on earth foreshadows the real home to come in heaven where it will be the fullest and greatest manifestation of the idea of home where love, joy and comfort are intertwined without the sin of drama.

Many times when school gets tough, I think of how after the semester is all over I will be able to go home for a bit. I think just knowing that allows me to push forward...

Similarly with life... when life gets tough and throws you a curve ball or somehow drama ends up on your lap... I think we should think of the heavenly home... knowing that when life is all over we will be able to go home... it should push us to move forward.

I remember at small group my friend told me how a lot of times we serve and we invest and then in the end if there is no positive fruit in the people we are investing in or mentoring/ discipling we get discouraged. Well someone else said that in order to not be discouraged we have to go back to the source of our joy... that is Jesus and the hope that indeed he will bring us home to a place where there will be no sin. That in the end nothing is wasted, God will redeem all that is lost. If we have that hope of our heavenly home in our minds we will be able to proceed and be encouraged knowing that God will definitely do His part to make things right.

I need to go back to prayer and bible reading... not for the sake of just puffing up my knowledge but to be reminded of the heavenly home to come.

I remember I went to Napa once with my god-sister Alice and her friend Jess. We had such a great time... we had a beautiful sunny picnic at one of the vineyards and it almost seemed as if we stepped away from reality. I believe it was a small glimpse of what heaven will be like. I remember days later when I was back in my office... I was talking to Alice and I think I was having a hard time dealing with some drama and was ready to perform a "shutdown and reboot on safety" on my life and I remember I told her... "man I wish the time we had at Napa never ended." She said... "yea but u kno u only appreciate napa because there's a world without napa. God made the world ugly for a reason."

Maybe that's why he permitted sin even though He is not the author of it... so that we may know what lavish grace He has pour onto us through Jesus Christ and how infinitely beautiful heaven really is. Who am I to question his wisdom.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

I'm definitely thankful for Jaime to come. My mom gave her some pens, dried scallops and moisturizer... I think. I'll definitely give her a big hug when she comes... hopefully I don't end up crying tears of joy. haha she might think I'm tripping.

I think it's about time I give Jesus a big hug and embrace the bible again.

Haiti

Wednesday morning. I was pumped and ready to take my oral part of my quals. It was at 11AM. I came in the office early so I decided to go to cnn to check up on some news... and that's when I first heard about it. 7.0 magnitude earthquake hits Haiti. At first I was like whoa... 7.0. That's HUGE. Haiti? wow that country is POOR. Not too long after that, my own worries about my quals came in. I thought, I don't have time to worry about Haiti right now. I'll read about it later. After taking my quals, I went to celebrate and ate at Astoria with some friends and never really remembered about reading up on Haiti. After I went home, I swept my room, handmopped my floor with pine sol. Cleaned the bathroom, mopped, rinsed the toilet bowl, and everything. Then I relaxed and the next day, my celebration begins round two and went to SoHo to do some shopping at uniqlo. (the new +J inventory came out) I ate and relaxed; and only yesterday night did I actually sit down and read more carefully how bad it really was. How bad? bad. sad. The pictures were really really sad.

Things like this really humbles me. I went through my facebook "newsfeed" to see if anyone's status had said anything about Haiti. The only people that mentioned Haiti was Happyslip. (the youtube flippino comedian), John Piper (evangelical preacher at twin cities). I did see some gchat status talk about Haiti but what's sad is that... all my friends including me posted about their own lives on their fb status... my previous fb status was "done. celebrating at Astoria withe some awesome Greek food with Haig and Paul. yay =)" I mean... this just shows how self-focus we really are... including me. Well maybe some people, didn't want to learn more about it... it's too sad... but isn't that selfish too? maybe if you learned more about it... you would know ways to help the current relief... whether it is praying or giving.

I at first neglected because I was so busy celebrating and I thought it's not that bad. Disasters come and go... but... to the Haitians it is their world. It is everything. Why should I not be driven to be on my knees praying? I recently read a blog from a missionary family in Haiti. It is amazing that they survived but just hearing their report is really sad. Bodies are everywhere, the stench of death lingers in the air. To the people of Haiti, they cannot "run away" from reality. It is everywhere. Yet, all the news and blogs I have read always commented on how strong the people of Haiti are. They have been through the poverty everyday and even though this may be the worst they have experienced in their lifetime, they will go through it. Then I think about happiness. To Haitians... even before this earthquake... I'm sure most of them would be ecstatic to have just a regular home to live in and a regular diet. (Most of them are in slums) Now with this earthquake, if they can just have their loved ones... I'm sure they would be elated and thankful.

What about me? I am not content having a home, I am not content having a family, I am not content with having just food on the table. I feel like I need to be doing all this stuff in my life. To have adventures, to be a foodie, to travel, to start a family, etc etc. These things are blessings sure but I should not have them define my joy and happiness. What about America? Are we so stuffed with blessings that we forget what we are? Do we need to be stripped of everything? Do I need to be stripped of everything? "for you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Genesis 3:19. Will I still be able to say "Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." like Job did? (Job 1:21)

What if some major earthquake hits America? God-forbid, but Los Angeles? I have family there. How would we deal with it. Maybe I would appreciate the simple things of life a lot more. Maybe I would understand how to "Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have." Ecclesiastes 6:9 (NLT)

Of course it is no comparison... America is technologically more advance and we have the best hospitals here but Haiti... Their operating room is now in the streets. No clean equipment and human waste everywhere... oh man why am I not driven to pray for them more fervently? Where is my compassion? Lord have mercy on them and have mercy on me so that I may be more compassionate to those who are suffering.

I thank God that I have my family, I thank God that I don't have to pay for my education. I thank God that I am done with my quals... I thank God that I can relax a little but I also hope that as I celebrate and relax, I might continue to lift up prayers for the people of Haiti.

Jesus, I know you loved the world so much that you would die for us on the cross. Thank you for allowing the world to come together in a time like this to facilitate the ongoing relief efforts. May the people of Haiti see your love now... through the Gospel and that they would trust it knowing that there is eternal life ahead. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Romans 8:18

Recharge

This was a well-spent winter break. I saw a bunch of friends I haven't seen in ages...

I went up to norcal and saw my old roommates and glad to see that they are doing well.

I went snowboarding at Tahoe. Kirkwood was amazing. Oh how I miss snowboarding. I seriously want to go back up the next day... oh well... There were no injuries. I got lots of speed and some air on little jumps. =) Next year, I'll plan a mammoth trip or something. =)

On the way back from Tahoe, I met up with David Jungpa Lee. Out of all the conversations I have had during this break, I had the most important one with him.

It was relatively short, only an hour or so. (I know because we were on metered parking and plus I wanted to get back to Arcadia before LA traffic causes the freeways to become a parking lot) What did we talk about? Things I already knew except somehow God opened my heart to be reminded of things I had already forgotten. I think one of the most important thing that we talked about was having a long term perspective. I used to think long term a lot. Studying and working hard to get a good stable job to provide for a future family. If I want something expensive and I don't have the money to buy for it now, I would save money. Somehow, I think I lost the long term perspective. Maybe as I am getting older, I am getting more lazy or maybe I just want to be rewarded now. I feel like these days I crave for immediate gratifications. Maybe that's why I miss work and I miss the comfort of a stable job. I think it also points to a lack of trust in God. God placed me in NYC for a reason. He placed me in grad school for a reason. He has opened doors. I made the decision in faith and now I am whimpering out because I want to be "comfortable". As I reflect upon this past semester, I realized that in my head I might have said, God I want to rely on your strength, but my heart did not say that. If I truly want to do this for His glory, then I must trust His guidance and rely on His sovereignty.

I think I lost the long term perspective also because as Christians I want to be aware of His second coming. I want to make every day count. However, only God the Father knows when He will be coming back again... so If He tarries and I bury my talents I will be held responsible.

What are my talents? Well, He has blessed me with intelligence; He has blessed me with the ability to persevere; He has blessed me with open doors and opportunities... What do I do with them? Do I take the easy route or do I trust God and take the route that He has shown me?

Well before going to NYC, I had taken the route that He has shown me. I gave up comfort at NorCal, I gave up Tahoe, I gave up my job, I gave up friends, and my spiritual family. However, as the semester progressed I kicked and screamed at Him, and neglected Him a lot of times. Even though I did all this, He still blessed me with awesome grades. (4.07; unlike Berkeley, Columbia weighs A+ as 4.3 instead of 4.0). This is indeed radical grace. Some unbelievers might think well you concentrated on school instead of religious things so of course you will have more time to study and therefore will have good grades. Well, that might be true but I believe it was supernatural strength that pulled me through the semester because if you had seen me towards the end of the semester you would have seen my sad state. I was out of energy and now looking back I can see how God had sustained me through it all. If it wasn't for Him, I would have burned out a while ago.

However, God not only sustained me through it all, He allowed me to meet up with David to remind me of why I am doing this. After meeting up with him, I regained my focus and I got back on track. God gave me a renewed strength and a renewed determination.

With this new perspective, I used the remaining few days reading Scripture and reading a book called How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp. These resources allowed me to see how God was/is always with me through every step of my life even when it was dark. It allowed me to see how important Jesus' death and resurrection really was. Through His triumph we are able to have hope to change to be more Christ-like. God gave us the Holy Spirit so that we might be able to have power to be more like His Son. The question I need to ask myself is... am I quenching it or am I relying on it?

As the new semester comes, I realized I need to definitely pray more and talk more with my Lord Jesus Christ. I want to be more like Christ. Maybe this is why I try to talk about Christ and the Gospel at small groups. Because I know it is the only way I can be reminded that even though I live in the world, I don't have to be like the world. It's hard to be selfless... it's hard to let go of control... it's hard to pray... in a city and culture where it's all about you. However, Christ lives within me through the Holy Spirit... there is power... power to resist, power to change, and power to be more Christ-like.

Am I quenching it or am I relying on it?

I hope as this new semester comes, I would do more relying than quenching.

New Year Resolution.