Feeling like Christmas

As I am on my flight home from JFK to LAX... I think about the semester that has gone by.

In the last month since the START of Thanksgiving break, I started to be MIA. If I talked to you or spent time with you during this last month, you were special to me.

However, why was I MIA? why was I furiously studying and working on my school work.

It seems like every morning I wake up and look in the mirror, I look like I got beat up because I got these huge black circles. Also, my hair is ridiculously long. Now, for those who know me... you know I'd never let my hair grow out beyond a certain length... well... I did. If you see me at my birthday party, you'll see what I'm talking about. It's pretty ridiculous.

I mean if I was a total introvert then this would not be such a shock... but I'm a "social butterfly" as many of my friends call me. So what motivated me to be MIA?

After reading Keller's book on Counterfeit Gods, I realized my motivations might seem legit and even honorable in the American culture context; however, as a Christian, I don't believe it was quite honorable instead I believe it is quite shameful.

Keller was the one who mentioned this but somehow I remember as I was studying for my last few finals and finishing my projects I asked my self why am I working so hard?

My answer... similar to what Keller mentioned in his book.
I needed to justify my existence.

Isn't that sad? I mean that is what I thought about the exams and projects. You are given the whole semester to sit in class and learn and you get a couple of hours to show what you learned and how smart you really are.

Coming from Berkeley sure doesn't help. I feel like I have to represent my school. Here at Columbia and I'm sure at other schools as well, Berkeley Engineering is highly respected. I feel like I need to meet up to their expectations. Coming from Broadcom sure doesn't help either. I have worked three years as an analog circuit designer working with the elite designers. I have industry experience... I must be smart. I can't even imagine the feeling of looking stupid in class or in my group.

Now it might be commendable that I am trying to represent my school and my company. It might be a good thing that I am trying my best in school and not waste any time. However, I believe I became very competitive and selfish with my time. Time is very important, everything requires time. Serving requires time, reading requires time, praying requires time, taking care of my body by sleeping requires time, catching up with people and listening to them requires time, helping someone with class requires time. Calling home and my sister requires time. The list goes on.

When I served at His toy store (this is where redeemer holds a toy store for the poor and they get to shop for free for brand new toys), I had to travel to Brooklyn... and give up 4 hours of my time. I was complaining the day before about serving and how much work I had to still to do. I lacked so much joy, yet God blessed me through this service and afterwards I realized how many people had nothing to eat and nothing to give on Christmas. Why am I complaining about class?! Many of these people don't even have the means of education.

I think God is slowly revealing my harden heart on the poor. Honestly, I don't believe I learned that at Eastbay. Whether because the church did not emphasize it as much or I was harden to it... one way or another... God has shown me through redeemer how ungracious I really am.

The bible talks about the widow and the poor all the time. Even Jesus said, "For you always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me." Matthew 26:11.

I think giving away my first dollar was tough. However, after the initial breaking I am able to be more gracious. I think I was always afraid that with money they can buy drugs and alcohol instead of food. I mean sure, but I should try to think best of them. Some will most likely use it to buy drugs but many will buy food with it so why should I let the few rule my heart... maybe it's because I wanted an excuse not to give.

Recently there was a snow storm in NYC... The day after I was in line getting chicken over rice near Columbia and there was this homeless person coming to the cart and he asked for spare change from the group in front of me... it was a bunch of college folks and they straight up ignored him. I saw him just standing there with half shaven side and really tattered clothing... I believe being hungry is one of the worst things in the world. When I'm hungry, I cannot think straight, I get grumpy and I just want food especially if I am smelling it. It was cold that day and it was almost Christmas. I asked him when was the last time he had eaten. He said 2 days. Two days! wow. He might be lying, but I believed him. I bought him chicken over rice. I try to talk to him and ask why he is on the street and where were his family. After giving him the food, I said Merry Christmas and God bless you.

Maybe it doesn't feel like Christmas because Christmas is associated with giving, love, and warmth. I definitely was not giving, loving nor providing any warmth to anyone. I was competitive, selfish, and just focused on myself the entire last month. I think it was only after I started giving, and serving... that I thought... yeah! this is Christmas. This is what it feels like and this is what it means.

I recently got my sister a gift and I think she will really like it. Well, I hope. I haven't seen her in a long time.

I remember my friend Jenn told me there are two events that New Yorkers are nice. Christmas, and when the Yankees win the world series. Well it's Christmas and the Yankees did win the world series. As I walked around NYC and shopped, I think I am beginning to see that. As I walk out of the subway, a homeless person is asking for change and I see people digging into their pockets and handing over some coins. One time, I saw this person in a wheel chair outside the subway station. It was windy and he was begging and he looked at me and plead "please!" How can I ignore that?! How can anyone ignore that?! My mom is so much more gracious than I am. Her heart melts and automatically gives money if she sees the hungry. Why? it's because she has been poor. I have been poor too but why am I not as gracious? Wouldn't I understand more? Maybe I forgot the feeling of being poor or I suppressed it because it was a feeling I don't want to remember. Coming to NYC reminds me of the past and it definitely has reminded me of when I was without food. God is definitely working in my heart, I might not like it... If I love God's word and I am living in the city there is no way I can read His Word and ignore the poor. They are everywhere.

So with these reflections, where do I go from here? Two things... First, I think I need to really let go of my insecurities. I need to trust God and fully grasped the gospel. My intelligences and my ability to do work all come from God. He can take it away at anytime like He did with Nebuchadnezzar. Second, I need to prioritize my time better. More on serving, and less on self. Be gracious to the poor because God has given me much... how can I selfishly hog it all? Did not Jesus gave up everything for us including His life so that we may truly live? Thanks for all those who have been praying for me and for those who have called me to see how I am doing.

Mark, if you got to the end of this, tell everyone at CG I said hi and that I think about them from time to time. I appreciate you and the group's concern about how I am doing. =)

Alyssa, if you read this, thanks for coming to church with me and keeping me company. Thanks for praying for me and making sure I stay sane. I really appreciate all the encouragement. =)

Joe, thanks for visiting man... it was awesome to see you. Thanks for praying. =)

Brandon and Daniel, thanks for calling and keeping me accountable. Thanks for praying. I don't believe I could have done it without you guys. The Lord is gracious =)

Jenn, thanks for running with me in CP. It was a good way to get away from the busyness of school and just relax and run and de-stress. yay to 10k frun! (freedom run) haha

Jesus Christ, He allowed me to finish the semester and whatever good I did... praise Him because without His grace I would not have done it. All glory to Him. Praise God for His Son and I hope that this Christmas will remind you and me of the precious blood that was spilled on our behalf.

I'm sure there are plenty more... so thank you all. Thanks for reading. Merry Christmas!