Maranatha

It's Sunday night. I went to church not too long ago. I just participated in the Lord's supper. However I am up tonight pondering why I am lacking joy. Somehow the Gospel is not in the forefront of my mind. I tried preaching the Gospel to myself. I pray, I go to small group, I read the bible. I am trying to revive it but it just doesn't seem to work. People have been praying for me and it has been helping but it's not quite like how I was before. I am lacking joy and contentment.

However, what I believe to be worse is now that I tried the Gospel, I am looking for joy from other things other than Christ. Those other things might be harmless in itself. Things such as friendship, recognition, academia success, being important or even needed. However, I realized that these things will not fulfill me. So I have tried and struggled with my very best to not find my joy in these things. But because I am not drawing from the Gospel, my mind would automatically find it in other things...

Maybe God is humbling me and telling me that no matter how hard I struggle I cannot do it. Why? Because it is not about my efforts. So then do I wait for His revival of me? Do I wait for the joy to come? Maybe I am just not being patient or maybe I just don't want to fight or endure the lack of joy. Ultimately He is Sovereign.

However, something my friend told me recently was really encouraging... that on the final day that those who struggle and barely make it, Christ will reward and will glorify "more" than those who have it easy. Maybe that's what it means that the first shall be last and the last shall be first. When Judgment Day comes... all will be fair. I'm sure there are plenty of people who struggle harder than what I am going through.

I know I must refocus my eyes and take it off myself and focus on others. However, a lot of times, I feel tired of serving, tired of praying for people, and tired to help the city. Many times I will think when will other people serve me? However, Christ never asked that. He always served without expecting much... instead the people He served betrayed Him, ran from Him, and abandoned Him when He needed them the most. So how did He do it? He fixed His eyes on God the Father and His glory.

I must continue to fix my eyes on my Lord Jesus Christ. If I focus on anything else... I believe I will continue my downward spiral. Ravi Zacharias said, "The loneliest moment in life is when you have experienced that which you thought would have delivered the ultimate but it has let you down."

Let's be honest here. Sometimes I feel that way about Jesus. I feel lonely because I thought Jesus would have delivered the ultimate but I feel like He has let me down. Well, as I probe deeper I realized, no He has not let me down... It's usually I think He has let me down because I want something that is not Him such as recognition, importance, and all these secondary things...

Therefore, I pray, I will focus more on Christ and Eternity. I am here only for a short while. Life is but a vapor. May I look forward to Judgment Day and know that it will be a blessed day. The day when all will be made equal. Justice will be exacted. Satan will be crushed and I will forever never have to struggle with sin.

Maranatha,
kevin