Not too long ago, I was talking to David Jungpa Lee about how I need a defibrillator to reawaken my love for the bible.
Today, I attended a memorial service for the dad of one of my really good buddies from college. I got to know Aaron through my other good friend Sunny (He is a guy). Aaron and Sunny used to live together in Emeryville with a third roommate Dan. That's how I first found out about Emerybay apartments.
I got to know Aaron and Sunny throughout college during my freshman and sophomore year. They were the same age as me (Both of them are slightly older than me) but they were two classes above me. They both were very hospitable to me and showed me the ropes to life at Berkeley.
They are people I can trust with my life. I was going through a pretty rough time during the first two years at Berkeley but with their friendship I was able to smile through it all.
I kept in touch with them after they graduated. They both moved down to so cal and married their respective high school sweethearts. Even though they both moved far away, our friendship did not dwindle. I still meet up with them ever so often. Maybe it's a guy's thing but we don't necessarily need to be in constant contact to maintain the familiarity and trust.
I met up with them recently and Aaron told me that his wife is expecting. I was so excited. Even though I have a seen a lot of babies pop up recently, this was special since Aaron is special to me.
A couple of days ago, his dad passed away. I talked to him afterwards online and he seems well. He was encouraging me. His faith was strong and He was thankful through it all. I was thoroughly amazed and I figured Aaron is doing okay. He did not seemed to be sad at all. Although, I honestly could not imagine Aaron sad. Ever since I met him, his smile has always been contagious. He is always very optimistic about life. He is very balanced. He is never judgmental. He has a heart for the Lord and through his examples, I can see his faith lived out. He is seriously the most jolly guy I have ever met.
Today, I drove into the church where the memorial service was going to be held. Honestly speaking, I did not feel the gravity of what happened as I stepped into the church. Maybe it was the lack of time of processing, or maybe it was his joyful attitude online, but the somberness of it all did not hit me as I met up with Sunny and his wife Kat at the church to sit down for the service. Although I realized that for me, a lot of emotional things don't hit me till a lot later.
Half way through it, the gravity of it started to sink. My mind started clicking that yes even though his dad is in heaven, it is still sad. Even though Aaron does have the right perspective, the situation is still sad. Even though, they are separately only temporarily, it is still sad. It would be inhuman to not be sad.
The final weight of it hit me when I saw Aaron step up to deliver the words of appreciation. I have never seen his face like that before. Never. It was marked by heaviness yet maturity. As he spoke, I could not stop the emotions that surfaced. I rarely cry and I rarely shed a tear. Today, I could not stop myself from tearing. As he spoke, there were moments he would need to stop for a few seconds to hold his tears and continue. Even the translator started to tear and sniffle. I had to look at the ceiling to prevent the tears from falling down my face.
I paused for a moment and thought, ahh now I know what it means to weep with those who weep. I was sad because Aaron was sad. Aaron is a good friend and to see him sad, I am torned because I don't want Aaron to feel sad. As I saw Aaron, I remember thinking, who has the right to take away his unceasing smile. I was sad but I was also angry and maybe it was towards God for making my friend sad in this way. Even though Aaron through out his speech, kept saying it was a glorious day and that God's grace is more than abundant to sustain him and his family.
As I lined up to exit, I was debating in my head whether to smile as I approach him so that I can encourage him to be happy or whether I should weep and let my emotions take over. In the end, I asked God to help me convey the right emotions whether it is an encouraging smile or a empathetic weep.
The line up was Aaron's sister, Kelly, Aaron's wife Nancy, Aaron and then his mom. As I approached them, I could not stop my tears from welling up. I shook hands with Kelly, and then I hugged Nancy. Then I turned and see Aaron and he is actually smiling at me. I embraced him with tears flowing and could not stop the emotions from pouring forth. I wanted to say I love you... however, no words came out. It was the first time, I couldn't say anything. I just embraced him and then I shook hands with the mom.
As I drove home, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't care by then. I had my shades on and my windows were tinted. I just let it out. I stopped myself after a couple of blocks. I had a lot of questions.
I'm still processing this... still unraveling what all of it means. Why did I cry? Why did it hit me so late? What does this all mean? What is God's lesson behind this? Is this the jolt that I need?
I took it slow on the way home. I let cars zipped by me. I did not care. There is a passage that keeps coming back to my mind. In it contains one of the verses used in the memorial service sermon.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. "
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,11
